Why I quit Teach for America, but don’t consider myself a quitter

I know what your thinking…I am one of the many who gave up, didn’t want to do it anymore, didn’t like the kids, felt it wasn’t what I signed up for, and just quit.

Careful, don’t assume to quickly. Give me a moment to tell you my story, and try to understand why I made this decision.

First of all, you should know, I didn’t quit because I hated teaching. I didn’t quit because I worked at a lousy school with lousy staff. I didn’t quit because I did a really bad job teaching my students. I didn’t even quit because I don’t like TFA. Actually, those are all reasons I could have stayed. I love teaching, I formed wonderful relationships with teachers at my school, I grew a lot as a teacher (and may even be considered a decent one), and I think TFA has a good mission.

When I left for Institute (TFA’s training program) last summer, I was nervous but excited to begin my journey with Teach for America. I spent countless hours at institute in the Mississippi Delta working harder than I had ever worked before. I would stay up until midnight lesson planning and wake up at 5 am to ride a school bus 50 miles to the school I taught at. I would get up in front of a classroom full of kids who were years behind in school, and do my very best to find someway to effectively teach them. I would ride the bus home in the early evenings, get to work on preparing lessons for the next day, make endless copies for my students, eat a quick dinner, and try to get some sleep before doing it all over again. It was exhausting, but not miserable like some people claim. I actually enjoyed institute overall. It was the first time that I truly realized how much I loved teaching.

The time came for me to go back to North Carolina, and this is when the nerves really set in. As I drove to my new house, 100 miles south of Raleigh, North Carolina, 60 miles north of Wilmington, North Carolina, and 25 miles away from the nearest grocery store, I began to question what in the world I was doing. Why had I just left what many would consider to be the most beautiful state in the country to live in the middle of nowhere North Carolina? The feeling didn’t pass easily, and it was months before I even appreciated the beauty of the state I lived in. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I didn’t even know how to begin to cope. I was anxious, depressed, scared, overwhelmed, worried…you name it, I felt it.

When I found out I was placed in Eastern North Carolina, I was excited. I had no idea what it was like, but I imagined it to be something like Texas. Smaller cities, nice people, good food. The word rural wasn’t really in my vocabulary, and I don’t think you can have a true appreciation for what that word means until you visit a place like Duplin County North Carolina. By no means is there anything wrong with rural, but for a girl who grew up in Southern California, rural was shocking. When I first experience rural North Carolina, I felt alone and isolated, like I was the only person in the world.

I was completely unprepared for the setting I was placed in, and this is my major critique of TFA and part of the reason why I left. Before making the move to North Carolina, TFA gave me very little information about what life would be like in my new home. I realize that someone who grew up in the South or in a small town may have had a better understanding, but given that I was from Los Angeles, I truly had no idea. I consider myself to be a person who can handle change rather well, and I am very independent. This change though, was much bigger than I anticipated. To make matters worse, I was given very little support and assistance from the organization that had placed me there, and I didn’t know what to do. I was frustrated with TFA and felt that they had just thrown me in with no care for my personal well-being.

I didn’t sign up for TFA to do something for myself- I signed up to serve. I knew it would be hard, but I thought of it as an opportunity to give back selflessly. But I learned that in order to serve others well, I had to be in a good place mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t just set aside my well-being entirely. It wasn’t possible. I wanted to be the best person I could be, and I didn’t know how to be that person when I felt so isolated. I reached out to TFA and did receive some kind words, but I was still in a tough place with few resources. When I didn’t know what else to do, I would sit on my bed in my room with my head in my hands and pray. I would pray that I could get through the year, or maybe just the day. I would pray that I would make friends and my students would like me. I would pray and plead that I could go back and change my situation. I went on for weeks like this, and one day realized that my once angry and pleading prayers had turned to prayers of thanks. Although I was still praying for help and for my feeling of isolation to cease, God was changing my heart and I couldn’t help but thank Him for the sweet note a student had left on my desk, or the encouraging friends He had blessed me with back home who always supported me. My fears slowly began to fade, and I realized that I could make it through the year. It wouldn’t be easy, and it probably wouldn’t be fun most days, and I wouldn’t make it on my own. But with God, I would make it. He had to become my strength and my rock. I couldn’t help myself, my friends and family couldn’t make it all better. Teach for America couldn’t solve my problems. The Lord was the only one who would get me through this. And He did.

Fast forward to March. I had decided after much thought and prayer that I would be leaving North Carolina at the end of the school year. Although I had come to love many things about it, I felt that it was best for me to move on. It was a tough year, but I learned more than I could have ever imagined. My frustration with TFA still existed, though I don’t blame them for my leaving. The lack of support I received during my year teaching was disappointing, but at the end of the day, I figured out how to be successful without them. I leaned on teachers at my school and resources on the internet. With the help of a few wonderful mentor teachers, I learned how to be a good teacher, and how to reach my students. But at the end of the day, I didn’t feel like I was the best teacher I could have been. I was in a tough situation being so far from home, and had too many days when this had an affect on my teaching. I also wasn’t prepared to teach the content that my student’s needed to learn, and this was a constant stress.

I love teaching, and I credit TFA for helping me to realize that. But I am going back to school to earn a MA in Education and a California teaching credential, so that I can be the best teacher possible. My students deserve a teacher who is well prepared, knows what she is doing, and is 100% mentally and emotionally ready to be there for them. For me, this means that I needed to be in my home state, where I have a strong support system. This also means I need to continue my education and be formally trained to teach.

At the end of the day, I don’t regret joining Teach for America at all. I am grateful for the opportunity I had, and for all of the doors it opened. I met some incredible people (veteran teachers and fellow Corps members). I think that the organization has outstanding goals. Giving all children in this country a quality education is crucial. The problem lies with the training, preparation, and support for the people they recruit. If they could get that straight, the organization would be phenomenal.

Although I technically “quit” because I did not teach for 2 years, I don’t consider myself a quitter. I did something challenging. I made it through a year teaching a subject that I wasn’t prepared for, in a place I had never been before. I made a commitment to my students on the first day of school when I told them I would teach them well, and I fulfilled my commitment. So at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter that I “quit.” What does matter, though, is I had the opportunity to teach some incredible children and discover my passion, and I learned the importance of trusting God in all circumstances.

A New Chapter

 

I’ve been meaning to write this post for almost two weeks now, but honestly haven’t known where to begin. There is so much left untold, but this chapter has come to an end so I need to finish my story. 

It is hard to believe that I just completed my first year of teaching. Many people have told me that it would be the most challenging year of my career, and I don’t doubt that. As I’ve expressed before, there were many days when I wanted to give up and quit during the school year, but kept chugging along until the end. The last four months or so weren’t even so hard anymore, and I truly began to enjoy my job and didn’t experience the same feeling of panic and unpreparedness as I felt when I first started teaching.

The feeling of panic did return during the week my students took their End of Grade exam (this is the state exam given in North Carolina). All of my students took the 8^th grade math EOG, and my Algebra 1/Math 1 students took the Math 1 EOC to receive high school credit. I was a nervous wreck the morning my Math 1 students took their test, feeling an immense amount of pressure. Had I taught them well? Did I do everything in my power to help them to be successful? As I watched them take their 3-½ hour test, I paced the room and imagined what I would say to my principal, parents, and most importantly my students if they didn’t do well. “I’m so sorry, this is my first time teaching this class and I did my best.” I waited for 4 days for their test scores, and finally my principal called me to the office after what felt like forever. In my mind, I had decided that as long as 50% passed I wasn’t a complete failure, and if 75% passed I’d be very pleased. After all, these students had come along way this year, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up and assume most would pass. As she placed the scores in my hand, I grimaced at two scores at the top of the page, “2’s” aka not proficient. Ouch.  But as I looked down the page, my excitement grew as I scanned the scores…4, 4, 4, 5, 4, 5, 3, 4, 4…and found that 90% of my students had passed, and not just with a 3, which is the lowest “proficient score” but with 4’s and 5’s, which means they really, truly learned and understood what I taught them. I don’t know if I have ever felt such relief. Although I couldn’t help but feel badly about the 3 students who scored a 2, I was extremely pleased with these scores. Not only did my class achieve 90% proficiency, but my principal pointed out that the previous year the Algebra 1 class had only achieved proficiency in the 60% range. Somehow, I had done it. Late nights lesson planning, early mornings driving 40 minutes to school, planning periods spent feeling defeated and exhausted, and phone calls to my mom venting about how stressed I was were suddenly worth it. It was all worth it, because my students had met my goals and their goals.

 Looking back, I can honestly say that I am extremely thankful for my year teaching in North Carolina. It was absolutely nothing like I imagined, but I wouldn’t trade it. I grew tremendously as a teacher and as a person. I learned how to do something I had no formal training in, and actually do it well. I can’t take all the credit for the success I feel though, because I truly couldn’t have done it without the support of many of the teachers I worked with. Thank you, each and every one of you who helped me at any point along this journey.

 Leaving North Carolina last Saturday was harder than I could have imagined. Actually, leaving my school was truly the part that I struggled with. I had spent countless hours there over the last year, and had grown to love the community that I worked with. My students, although often times challenging, had taught me so much about life and persevering through everything life throws us. I felt so loved during the last week as I said goodbye to my students. I never imagined it would be so hard to leave them behind. I suppose that is a part of being a teacher I will have to get used to, because each year will bring new goodbyes. Although I no longer live there, my hope is that I had an influence in at least a few lives, and that one day, I might receive an email from a student telling me about their future, whether it be their acceptance to college, a move to a new city, a sports scholarship to play baseball, or just a note to say hello.

 It is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one, as I begin my life in Southern California. I will be starting school in September at Azusa Pacific University. I will be working toward a M.A. in Education with a Multiple Subject teaching credential, so that I can teach grades K-8 here in California. I am very excited and nervous as the next chapter begins, and hopes that everyone who has supported me over the last year knows how important you are and how thankful I am for you. I plan to keep on blogging, so stay tuned!

 

Thank You

Today I received a notification that my blog was created one year ago. I also realized that one year ago today, I flew to North Carolina to start my life here. Crazy! Time has flown by over the past year. I remember a year ago today, I arrived at the airport in Raleigh and then took a shuttle to a nearby hotel. I had reserved a room there to stay with a couple other corps members, whom I had never met before. Sitting in the hotel room that night, I decided that I would start a blog to document my new life as a teacher. It is so strange to look back at that post now, and realize that I had no idea where the year would take me and what I would experience. At the time, I was so nervous but excited to begin teaching and to move to North Carolina. My life has changed drastically over the last year, and although there have been weeks (well, maybe months) when I have wondered what on earth I am doing here or wished that I could rewind and never have moved here, I wouldn’t take it back now.

If you asked me what I thought my biggest struggle as a teacher would be a year ago, I wouldn’t have really known what to say. In all honestly, I figured it couldn’t be that hard, after all, hadn’t I been in school watching teachers for my entire life? Ha. Now, I would probably have to get back to you with a list of 20+ struggles I deal with on a daily basis. Being a teacher is no easy task. I knew I wasn’t getting into something that was necessarily easy and pain free, but I had no idea what I would truly face on a daily basis. If you have read my blog all year, you are aware of the kind of things I am talking about…apathetic students; classroom management issues; kids who are years behind in school; lack of proper training (on my part); exhaustion (physically and mentally); etc. The list goes on, and I don’t intend to list all my struggles because the point of this post is not to focus on those struggles I have faced. Instead, realizing that I began this journey one year ago has forced me to think about how much I have overcome this year.

One year ago, I left everyone I knew and moved to a state I had only flown over once. I packed up everything I could fit in 3 suitcases, jumped on a place, and arrived in North Carolina full of a little bit of fear, but lots of hope for what was to come. I quickly realized that this journey would be nothing like I had imagined. I spent my summer in Mississippi, where I worked 14+ hours a day, realized I was a mosquitos best friend, and found that lesson planning wasn’t quite as simple as it sounds. After that, I packed up and headed back to my new home in Duplin County North Carolina, home to more hogs than any other county in the United States (not kidding). I experienced about a month of serious culture shock as a adjusted to living in a rural community. Actually, take that back, I still am experiencing this culture shock. No longer could I take a quick trip to Target, run by the mall to buy a gift, meet friends for a quick lunch, drive through Sonic for a drink, or order take out for an easy dinner. Nope. Driving 30+ minutes to grocery shop and eat dinner became normal, and getting stuck behind tractors and school buses along the way was nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing I have ever experienced before could have prepared me for moving here. Actually growing up in LA probably did just the opposite. I was in shock, to say the least.

My shock of living in rural North Carolina was nearly forgotten as I began to drown in school work. Most days, I felt like I was just pretending to be a teacher and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. There was a time when I dreaded going to school and thought about quitting a million times, but thanks to prayers and support made it through. Although I can’t pin down the exact time, at some point along the way, I began to actually enjoy what I was doing. Sure, spending your day with 13 and 14 year old kids is never going to be easy, but it really wasn’t so bad anymore. By March, I realized that I actually didn’t just tolerate my job, but I had grown to love being a teacher. I made the decision in March that I would continue my career as an educator.

Now, here I am with only 7 days of school left. My students took their Math EOG yesterday, and my Algebra students take their final test on Friday. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos, tears, and struggles, I made it. Looking back, I truly have so much to be thankful for. I really couldn’t have done it without you all, so I thank you. Thank you to everyone who sent up a prayer for me. Thank you to those of you who offered words of encouragement when I needed it most. Thank you to my friends for making me laugh and remember that there is more to life. Thank you to my mom for putting up with my constant complaining at the beginning of the year, and for talking to me on the phone every single day when I had no friends here. Thank you to the teachers who I have had the privilege to work with, and who I have learned so much from at my school. Thank you to those of you who take the time to read my blog. Thank you to my students for all of the bad days, because it makes the good days even better. Thank you all so much.

JUNE

I remember back in September thinking that I would never make it to June. It seemed so far away. The end of the school year was hard to even imagine because time seemed to go so slow. But somehow, here I am and it is June 1st. School is out in 11 days, and I will be done with my first year teaching. Crazy! I’ve been counting down the days for awhile now, but it is still hard to believe I’m almost done. 

My students started taking EOG’s (End Of Grade tests) on Friday, and will be testing for the next week. They will be taking their math test tomorrow, which is pretty scary for me! I’m about to find out if everything I taught them this year actually stuck. Once they take that test, there isn’t really much to do the rest of the year except find ways to keep them busy during the school day. The last week of school is all fun stuff since I teach only 8th grade. My kids will be having a BBQ, a dance, and then have a promotion ceremony on the last day of school. 

There are lot’s of goodbyes coming my way. I am going to really be so sad to see my students go. Somehow in the midst of all the chaos of being a first year teacher, I managed to grow very attached to my kids. I have loved seeing them grow this year and getting to know them. Teaching is really a job that that doesn’t just stay at work. My students lives become part of mine, and it is so sad to think I won’t see them again. There are a few students in particular who I will especially miss. I have one student, K, who I have formed a great relationship with. She is a very bright girl and was just accepted into the Early College (It is a high school in my district that the student’s can apply to that allows them to complete 2 years of college during high school. This is a big deal in a rural area where many people don’t have access to higher education). She was so, so excited to be accepted and ran into my classroom to tell me last week. She asked me a couple months ago if I would write her a recommendation letter for college one day, because she wants to go to Baylor Sic’EM! . My heart melted just a little bit. (Baylor has a very special place in my heart as most of y’all know). I feel like a proud parent sometimes when I think about or talk about so many of my students. It has really been amazing seeing how much they have grown and the people they are becoming. 

Okay enough mushy stuff, I just wanted to update you all a little bit on life here as the school year comes to an end! 

10 Things I have Learned as a First Year Teacher

1. Lessons never go as planned. Ever.
2. Don’t ever assume something about a child until I know the whole story. I have no idea what they may be going through at home, and often times it is far more than a 13 year old should have to bear.
3. Teaching isn’t a job you leave at work. It is a lifestyle- my students are part of my life and they can’t be separated from it.
4. Relationships are everything- a damaged relationship with a student will damage their ability to learn in my classroom
5. Sometimes its okay to let my guard down and show my students I’m human. Laughing with them is okay.
6. Most of the kids I work with have experienced far more hardships and trials in their short 13 years than I have in 23 years.
7. Don’t ever think that a child can’t change. They all can learn and grow, so don’t give up.
8. Even when my students aren’t where I want them to be, remember to always look back on how far they have come.
9. That moment when I see something click in a child’s mind and their eyes light up because they finally understand is a feeling I can’t explain, yet it motivates me to keep going every day. 
10. For all the bad days when I wanted to quit my job, there is a day so great that I remember why I do this and why I can never leave this career. 

A Note from J

Last week was tough. It was our first full week back after spring break, so naturally it felt long. The kids were rowdy and my patience was wearing thin. By Thursday, I was counting the seconds until 2:45 pm Friday afternoon. Thank goodness this weekend was good to me,and I am ready to take on another week. 

As I mentioned, Thursday was a rough day. My first period class is especially challenging, and within the first 5 minutes of class I had raised my voice more times than I care to admit. It was as if nobody could hear me nor did they care what I had to say. At least six students were crowded around my desk telling me to give them a pencil (yes, telling me, not asking me). One student even decided to grab one of my pencils and take it for himself. Now this is a big no no. Teachers out there- you know what I am talking about. Every teacher has certain little rules that just aren’t broken. My big thing is that no student may touch or take something from my desk. No question about it, end of story. They know this too, and honestly nobody tests me here. But Thursday, one of my students (let’s call him J) pushed the limits. He grabbed a pencil and spun around, but not before I called his name and took the pencil back from him. At that moment, he yelled at me and told me “Ms. C, you can’t just snatch stuff from me!! I need a pencil and you took it from me!” Hm…pretty sure it was my pencil, but okay. I quietly asked J to leave the classroom and walk across the hall to Chill Out (basically in school suspension. He did as he was told thankfully, and I was able to go on with my class.

Now the reason I told you all that is because of what happened next. The bell rang, signally the end of my first block, and J walked back in my classroom with a paper in his hand. He set it on my desk without a word, and walked out. Take a look…

Yes, that is one giant run on sentence. You are probably thinking that I have bigger problems than behavior to worry about since this student quiet obviously cannot write a proper sentence, but unfortunately this is just one of the many problems we face at my school.

I have no idea how sincere this note was, or if someone pressured J to write it, but I can’t help but have some glimmer of hope that maybe there may be a slight change in him. After school, he poked his head in my classroom and said, “Ms. C, tomorrow is going to be a better day.” Hm. I doubted it, but hey at least he was being optimistic. But actually, Friday was a better day. You see, J is one of those students whose attitude and behavior has the power to influence the entire class. The days that he chooses to act up and talk back, the whole class is in disarray. His peers respect him. I’ve realized that with many of my students, I am either their friend of their enemy. Its hard to cross to the friend side if they have seen me as an enemy all along. Why they decide I am enemy, I cannot tell you. But I have had a few cross over during the year, and I’m hoping that is what may be happening with J. I don’t want to be too hopeful, but then again, I never want to doubt the potential of my students. He is a smart kid, and he has the ability to be a leader. I hope that he will take his own advice, and tomorrow will be an even better day.

The Countdown

31

44

50

Have you ever noticed that life often feels like a constant countdown? Like you are waiting for the next big “thing” to happen in your life? Maybe you are counting the days until you graduate college, or maybe you are simply counting the days until the weekend. Whatever it is, I can’t help but feel that life often times becomes one big countdown. When I really stop to think about it, it is ridiculous! If I keep this up, I’m going to be counting down my whole life and before I know it, it will be over. I don’t know why we have a tendency to do this. I guess maybe it is just simple human nature. We always want to know what comes next, and we can’t wait to find out. 

31 more school days

44 days until the last day of school, including weekends

50 days until I move back to California

Here I go again, counting down for what is next. There are moments when I look at those numbers and think, woah, how am I going to possibly make it 44 more days, I’m just so tired and ready for the year to be over. But then there are moments, like tonight, that I almost wish I had more time because I realize that all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to prepare some of my students for high school. 

I remember when the school year started and I looked at the calendar and was overwhelmed thinking about how many long school days lay ahead of me. I wondered how I was going to make it. There were times when I literally didn’t think I was going to. Life just gets away from us though, and here I am, and it is nearly May. 

The remaining school days have become precious- each day a student is absent is one less chance for them to understand a concept that could help them be successful. Every moment that I spend dealing with behavior problems instead of teaching is a moment that I can never get back to help my students understand the material. 

I won’t lie- I cannot wait for June 12th to be here. This year has been nothing short of a challenge, and I am so excited for what is next. But thinking about it, I realize I need to make the very most of these next 31 school days, because in 44 days, there will be nothing more I can do. And in 50 days, this chapter of my life will come to a close. 

Thank you for reading and for following along on this crazy year with me. My next post will have more updates about what is next for me! 

 

An Open Letter to My Students

Dear Students,

I am writing you this letter because I care about each of you deeply. I left work today with a lot on my mind, and I think you deserve to know what I am thinking. I have two groups of students I would like to address. You will know who you are when you read the letter. I won’t call anyone out or point any fingers, but I know you will see which part of this letter applies to you.

The first students I would like to write to all the students who are considered “challenging.” Lets call you Student 1. Maybe you fall into this category because you have a tendency to forget your pencil and paper at home every single day, and are constantly unprepared for class. Or maybe you fall into this category because you enjoy being the class clown and the center of attention. (I know, I know, everyone needs a little comic relief in their life…I do appreciate you making me laugh, but sometimes you just need to know when the appropriate time and place are for your humor.) Maybe you are the student who is constantly challenging the teacher; constantly asking questions that are off topic, shouting across the room at your buddy, sneaking a glance at your cell phone during group work, or talking while I am trying to explain something. Or, maybe you are the student that just has no respect for me. I will never understand why, but I have a couple of you, and your actions and words prove that you dislike and disrespect me a great deal. Every single person is probably guilty of one of these behaviors at one point or another, but those of you who repeat these behaviors every single day know who you are. I would like to tell you Student 1, that although you cause me stress some days, and frustration other days, I still care about you. I know it may not seem like it when I reprimand you more than I talk to you about your life, but really, I care more than you know. Actually, next to your family, I probably care about you more than anyone else. It’s hard to explain, but the day your name was put on my roster and you walked into my classroom, you found a special little place in my heart. You may test me and push me away, but I promise I am still going to show up each day to teach you and do my very best to help you. I’m not going anywhere. Some of you have asked me before, “Why would you want to be a teacher when you could do anything else?” I never quite know how to answer that question, because its always asked in a negative light. But really, why would I want to do anything else? I get to go to work every single day and try to have a direct impact on 75 people’s lives. Its actually quite a daunting task when I think about it that way, but it is also so exciting! I have the opportunity to teach you something you didn’t know before that is going to benefit you in more ways than you realize right now. While you may see no correlation between learning about graphing linear equations and becoming nurse, a pilot, a lawyer, or a cook, I promise you that it matters. When you graph those linear equations, do you think about patterns? Do you sit there for a second and remember something you stored in your brain so that you would remember how to complete the problem? That skill, called retrieval, is going to be used over and over again in your life. One day, when you’re sitting in your dorm room studying for a biology exam, you are going to use that same skill of retrieval to remember what your professor explained in class. Also, each time you come to class, I ask you to work in a group, often in a group you don’t particularly want to work in. While this may seem like torture now, there really is good reason behind it. When you grow up, you don’t get to pick who you work with or who you sits in the cubical next to you. Sorry, but it just isn’t reality. Learning to work with someone you don’t like or don’t know is a part of life, and I think its better to learn it sooner than later. Now lets get to the next thing…disrespect. I really hate that word. It is so negative, and has so many bad things associated with it. It also happens to be the most common reason why you get written up or get sent to the assistant principle. Let me tell you something about disrespect. Although you may think it isn’t a big deal and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t very nice to your teacher, I would like for you to remember something. I am a person too. Yep, it’s true. I have feelings and emotions and a life outside these school walls. What you say and do in my classroom affects me even after you leave. I have dedicated my life to teaching you and being someone you can count on, so disrespect is truly the lowest blow. I can handle you talking during announcements every once in a while, chewing gum, or forgetting your pencil…those actions don’t hurt me as a person. But when you disrespect me, you might as well have just slapped me in the face. When you make a side comment to your friend about how much you hate me, I hear you. I may be a grown adult, but it still hurts just as much. I pretend it doesn’t because people say that teachers have tough skin and we can’t be friends with our students, but that sure doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

Now there are some of you who are reading this (Let’s call you Student 2) and feeling really bad for me, and thinking well, I know my classmates aren’t nice to Ms. C, but that just isn’t me.  I like this class and even if I sometimes don’t want to do my work, I am always nice to my teacher and try my best. First, I want to thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know who you are. I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you. Although I truly love and care about every single one of my students, it is students like you who get me through a bad day. When you walk in my door and say good morning, to me every day without fail, or when you come up to my desk to ask how my day is going, don’t think it goes unnoticed. I always notice and it always makes a difference. You make a difference in my life, as much as I hope I am making a difference in yours. I would like to apologize to you as well, because I know that many times, you receive punishment for things you don’t do. When your classmates are being disruptive and the whole class is punished as a result, you don’t deserve it. But unfortunately, I don’t know what else to do sometimes. I just want you to know that your effort and your kindness are appreciated.

Whether you are student 1 or student 2, know that I am proud of you. I am proud of what you have accomplished so far, and I want to be here for you the rest of the year so that we can accomplish so much more. I would like to conclude this letter by telling each and every one of you that I became a teacher because I genuinely enjoy spending time with kids and young adults, and I love being able to teach you something you didn’t know before. I do this because I love it. Even on the days when I am frustrated, I still love my job. I know, you think I am crazy. But that’s okay, someone has to do it, so it might as well be a crazy person who loves what she is doing. Know that I spend hours each night preparing to teach you the next day. I know its hard sometimes to do what I am asking, and it takes time and mental energy, but if you give up now, it would break my heart. I want each and every one of you to be successful. I want you to all have the jobs you want one day, and to be happy. I want you to know what it feels like to love what you do, and to be proud of yourself.

So, what do you say? Can we turn things around? Can you take just a moment to think about how I feel as your teacher, and understand that I am here to teach you and to help you. I don’t ask you to work hard because I hate you, I ask you to do it because I sincerely care your success. Good things in life don’t come easy. It’s a lesson you will learn sooner or later, but the good things in life take hard work and commitment. Getting into a good college means you spend your weeks giving 100% in class and your weekends studying for upcoming exams. Finding a good job means you were successful in college and you found a way to prove to the interviewer that you were worthy of that job. Life is wonderful when we take full advantage of everything it has to offer. I want that for each of you. Are you ready?

 

“The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.” -Vince Lombardi

Dear Blog readers,

I am so sorry it has been so long since I have posted. It is safe to say that the past 5 months have flown by. I never could have imagined time would go so fast, but here I am, with only 2 short months of school left. I wish I could give you a good reason for why I have not posted, but I really don’t have one. Life got busy and I stopped making writing a priority. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal, but now I am disappointed that I didn’t document the last 5 months. There have been many ups and downs, good and bad days, highs and lows that I would have loved to share with you all. Here I am writing as if I have many followers, but truly, this blog is also for me. I love to write and I also love to have a record of where I’ve been. Looking back at my experiences helps me to appreciate the present so much more. So even if nobody is reading this, I am going to continue to write when I can, and when I have something to say.

Now where do I even begin? The last time I wrote was in November, before Thanksgiving. I was having a hard time. Actually, hard is an understatement. I was drowning. Drowning in my work, drowning in my fears, and drowning in stress about the future. Everyday was a struggle to get out of bed, throw on my business casual outfit, drive 30 miles to school, stand up in front of 23-28 sleepy faces, teach the lesson I had spent hours preparing, cry or laugh at the ridiculous things that happened that day, drive home, work out, eat dinner, shower, and then do it all over again. I went on for months and months like that; feeling as if I had nothing to look forward to except the weekend. It wasn’t long before I realized that was no way to live. I began thinking about what I needed to do to change my situation. As I began thinking about the future and making a plan, the days somehow got easier. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled and had many moments where I wanted to throw up my hands and quit, but the reality is, I didn’t. I’m still here and it is April, and I plan to be here until the last day of school when my 8th graders leave for high school.

This leads me to my next big update. I have been struggling with figuring out what is next for me for the past few months. A few months ago, I decided that staying in North Carolina after this school year was not what would be best for me. As a Teach for America corps member, my commitment is meant to be served for two years at the same school. I realize this, so please know that this decision was not made lightly. After much thought and prayer, I have decided that I will be moving back to California in June. I have lived thousands of miles away from my family and my home for 5 years now, and I really feel like it is time for me to go back. I plan to work on my teaching credential in California and continue my teaching career there. I have just started the process of applying to credential programs in California so that I can teach Elementary school. Although this past year has by far been the most challenging time in my life, I am grateful for this experience. Without it, I never would have known that I had a passion for teaching, and I may have spent years trying to figure out what career path I wanted to pursue. I have learned to rely on God so much more than I ever had before, because I truly had nobody else for a long time.

This morning in church, the paster quoted Phillip Yancey, saying, “Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” I couldn’t help but feel like he was talking right to me. If you had told me 8 months ago that I would be planning to leave North Carolina and go back to California to pursue my teaching career there, I would have never moved to North Carolina in the first place. But without moving here, I also would have never had the opportunity to teach and to experience something that has made me a much stronger person. As I take this next step in faith and return to California, I know that I am going to have days when I wonder what on Earth God is doing, but I know that one day it will all makes sense. There is a good and perfect plan for each of our lives. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not is our decision, but God is in control and knows exactly what He is doing.

If you are still reading, thank you for taking the time to read this. I am going to do my very best to start blogging regularly again. Stay tuned for an update on my classroom and my students.

New York in the Fall

Last weekend, I spent the weekend in New York City visiting two of my best friends. Rachel, my roommate from college, and Emily, my best friend growing up, both moved to the big apple this fall. I had been eagerly anticipating my trip to visit them, and it was nothing short of wonderful! I’ve only been to NYC once before, and it was in the heat of July, so going in November was great. It was absolutely beautiful, so I just couldn’t help but share some of my favorite pictures from the weekend.