Why I quit Teach for America, but don’t consider myself a quitter

I know what your thinking…I am one of the many who gave up, didn’t want to do it anymore, didn’t like the kids, felt it wasn’t what I signed up for, and just quit.

Careful, don’t assume to quickly. Give me a moment to tell you my story, and try to understand why I made this decision.

First of all, you should know, I didn’t quit because I hated teaching. I didn’t quit because I worked at a lousy school with lousy staff. I didn’t quit because I did a really bad job teaching my students. I didn’t even quit because I don’t like TFA. Actually, those are all reasons I could have stayed. I love teaching, I formed wonderful relationships with teachers at my school, I grew a lot as a teacher (and may even be considered a decent one), and I think TFA has a good mission.

When I left for Institute (TFA’s training program) last summer, I was nervous but excited to begin my journey with Teach for America. I spent countless hours at institute in the Mississippi Delta working harder than I had ever worked before. I would stay up until midnight lesson planning and wake up at 5 am to ride a school bus 50 miles to the school I taught at. I would get up in front of a classroom full of kids who were years behind in school, and do my very best to find someway to effectively teach them. I would ride the bus home in the early evenings, get to work on preparing lessons for the next day, make endless copies for my students, eat a quick dinner, and try to get some sleep before doing it all over again. It was exhausting, but not miserable like some people claim. I actually enjoyed institute overall. It was the first time that I truly realized how much I loved teaching.

The time came for me to go back to North Carolina, and this is when the nerves really set in. As I drove to my new house, 100 miles south of Raleigh, North Carolina, 60 miles north of Wilmington, North Carolina, and 25 miles away from the nearest grocery store, I began to question what in the world I was doing. Why had I just left what many would consider to be the most beautiful state in the country to live in the middle of nowhere North Carolina? The feeling didn’t pass easily, and it was months before I even appreciated the beauty of the state I lived in. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I didn’t even know how to begin to cope. I was anxious, depressed, scared, overwhelmed, worried…you name it, I felt it.

When I found out I was placed in Eastern North Carolina, I was excited. I had no idea what it was like, but I imagined it to be something like Texas. Smaller cities, nice people, good food. The word rural wasn’t really in my vocabulary, and I don’t think you can have a true appreciation for what that word means until you visit a place like Duplin County North Carolina. By no means is there anything wrong with rural, but for a girl who grew up in Southern California, rural was shocking. When I first experience rural North Carolina, I felt alone and isolated, like I was the only person in the world.

I was completely unprepared for the setting I was placed in, and this is my major critique of TFA and part of the reason why I left. Before making the move to North Carolina, TFA gave me very little information about what life would be like in my new home. I realize that someone who grew up in the South or in a small town may have had a better understanding, but given that I was from Los Angeles, I truly had no idea. I consider myself to be a person who can handle change rather well, and I am very independent. This change though, was much bigger than I anticipated. To make matters worse, I was given very little support and assistance from the organization that had placed me there, and I didn’t know what to do. I was frustrated with TFA and felt that they had just thrown me in with no care for my personal well-being.

I didn’t sign up for TFA to do something for myself- I signed up to serve. I knew it would be hard, but I thought of it as an opportunity to give back selflessly. But I learned that in order to serve others well, I had to be in a good place mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t just set aside my well-being entirely. It wasn’t possible. I wanted to be the best person I could be, and I didn’t know how to be that person when I felt so isolated. I reached out to TFA and did receive some kind words, but I was still in a tough place with few resources. When I didn’t know what else to do, I would sit on my bed in my room with my head in my hands and pray. I would pray that I could get through the year, or maybe just the day. I would pray that I would make friends and my students would like me. I would pray and plead that I could go back and change my situation. I went on for weeks like this, and one day realized that my once angry and pleading prayers had turned to prayers of thanks. Although I was still praying for help and for my feeling of isolation to cease, God was changing my heart and I couldn’t help but thank Him for the sweet note a student had left on my desk, or the encouraging friends He had blessed me with back home who always supported me. My fears slowly began to fade, and I realized that I could make it through the year. It wouldn’t be easy, and it probably wouldn’t be fun most days, and I wouldn’t make it on my own. But with God, I would make it. He had to become my strength and my rock. I couldn’t help myself, my friends and family couldn’t make it all better. Teach for America couldn’t solve my problems. The Lord was the only one who would get me through this. And He did.

Fast forward to March. I had decided after much thought and prayer that I would be leaving North Carolina at the end of the school year. Although I had come to love many things about it, I felt that it was best for me to move on. It was a tough year, but I learned more than I could have ever imagined. My frustration with TFA still existed, though I don’t blame them for my leaving. The lack of support I received during my year teaching was disappointing, but at the end of the day, I figured out how to be successful without them. I leaned on teachers at my school and resources on the internet. With the help of a few wonderful mentor teachers, I learned how to be a good teacher, and how to reach my students. But at the end of the day, I didn’t feel like I was the best teacher I could have been. I was in a tough situation being so far from home, and had too many days when this had an affect on my teaching. I also wasn’t prepared to teach the content that my student’s needed to learn, and this was a constant stress.

I love teaching, and I credit TFA for helping me to realize that. But I am going back to school to earn a MA in Education and a California teaching credential, so that I can be the best teacher possible. My students deserve a teacher who is well prepared, knows what she is doing, and is 100% mentally and emotionally ready to be there for them. For me, this means that I needed to be in my home state, where I have a strong support system. This also means I need to continue my education and be formally trained to teach.

At the end of the day, I don’t regret joining Teach for America at all. I am grateful for the opportunity I had, and for all of the doors it opened. I met some incredible people (veteran teachers and fellow Corps members). I think that the organization has outstanding goals. Giving all children in this country a quality education is crucial. The problem lies with the training, preparation, and support for the people they recruit. If they could get that straight, the organization would be phenomenal.

Although I technically “quit” because I did not teach for 2 years, I don’t consider myself a quitter. I did something challenging. I made it through a year teaching a subject that I wasn’t prepared for, in a place I had never been before. I made a commitment to my students on the first day of school when I told them I would teach them well, and I fulfilled my commitment. So at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter that I “quit.” What does matter, though, is I had the opportunity to teach some incredible children and discover my passion, and I learned the importance of trusting God in all circumstances.

Thank You

Today I received a notification that my blog was created one year ago. I also realized that one year ago today, I flew to North Carolina to start my life here. Crazy! Time has flown by over the past year. I remember a year ago today, I arrived at the airport in Raleigh and then took a shuttle to a nearby hotel. I had reserved a room there to stay with a couple other corps members, whom I had never met before. Sitting in the hotel room that night, I decided that I would start a blog to document my new life as a teacher. It is so strange to look back at that post now, and realize that I had no idea where the year would take me and what I would experience. At the time, I was so nervous but excited to begin teaching and to move to North Carolina. My life has changed drastically over the last year, and although there have been weeks (well, maybe months) when I have wondered what on earth I am doing here or wished that I could rewind and never have moved here, I wouldn’t take it back now.

If you asked me what I thought my biggest struggle as a teacher would be a year ago, I wouldn’t have really known what to say. In all honestly, I figured it couldn’t be that hard, after all, hadn’t I been in school watching teachers for my entire life? Ha. Now, I would probably have to get back to you with a list of 20+ struggles I deal with on a daily basis. Being a teacher is no easy task. I knew I wasn’t getting into something that was necessarily easy and pain free, but I had no idea what I would truly face on a daily basis. If you have read my blog all year, you are aware of the kind of things I am talking about…apathetic students; classroom management issues; kids who are years behind in school; lack of proper training (on my part); exhaustion (physically and mentally); etc. The list goes on, and I don’t intend to list all my struggles because the point of this post is not to focus on those struggles I have faced. Instead, realizing that I began this journey one year ago has forced me to think about how much I have overcome this year.

One year ago, I left everyone I knew and moved to a state I had only flown over once. I packed up everything I could fit in 3 suitcases, jumped on a place, and arrived in North Carolina full of a little bit of fear, but lots of hope for what was to come. I quickly realized that this journey would be nothing like I had imagined. I spent my summer in Mississippi, where I worked 14+ hours a day, realized I was a mosquitos best friend, and found that lesson planning wasn’t quite as simple as it sounds. After that, I packed up and headed back to my new home in Duplin County North Carolina, home to more hogs than any other county in the United States (not kidding). I experienced about a month of serious culture shock as a adjusted to living in a rural community. Actually, take that back, I still am experiencing this culture shock. No longer could I take a quick trip to Target, run by the mall to buy a gift, meet friends for a quick lunch, drive through Sonic for a drink, or order take out for an easy dinner. Nope. Driving 30+ minutes to grocery shop and eat dinner became normal, and getting stuck behind tractors and school buses along the way was nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing I have ever experienced before could have prepared me for moving here. Actually growing up in LA probably did just the opposite. I was in shock, to say the least.

My shock of living in rural North Carolina was nearly forgotten as I began to drown in school work. Most days, I felt like I was just pretending to be a teacher and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. There was a time when I dreaded going to school and thought about quitting a million times, but thanks to prayers and support made it through. Although I can’t pin down the exact time, at some point along the way, I began to actually enjoy what I was doing. Sure, spending your day with 13 and 14 year old kids is never going to be easy, but it really wasn’t so bad anymore. By March, I realized that I actually didn’t just tolerate my job, but I had grown to love being a teacher. I made the decision in March that I would continue my career as an educator.

Now, here I am with only 7 days of school left. My students took their Math EOG yesterday, and my Algebra students take their final test on Friday. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos, tears, and struggles, I made it. Looking back, I truly have so much to be thankful for. I really couldn’t have done it without you all, so I thank you. Thank you to everyone who sent up a prayer for me. Thank you to those of you who offered words of encouragement when I needed it most. Thank you to my friends for making me laugh and remember that there is more to life. Thank you to my mom for putting up with my constant complaining at the beginning of the year, and for talking to me on the phone every single day when I had no friends here. Thank you to the teachers who I have had the privilege to work with, and who I have learned so much from at my school. Thank you to those of you who take the time to read my blog. Thank you to my students for all of the bad days, because it makes the good days even better. Thank you all so much.

An Open Letter to My Students

Dear Students,

I am writing you this letter because I care about each of you deeply. I left work today with a lot on my mind, and I think you deserve to know what I am thinking. I have two groups of students I would like to address. You will know who you are when you read the letter. I won’t call anyone out or point any fingers, but I know you will see which part of this letter applies to you.

The first students I would like to write to all the students who are considered “challenging.” Lets call you Student 1. Maybe you fall into this category because you have a tendency to forget your pencil and paper at home every single day, and are constantly unprepared for class. Or maybe you fall into this category because you enjoy being the class clown and the center of attention. (I know, I know, everyone needs a little comic relief in their life…I do appreciate you making me laugh, but sometimes you just need to know when the appropriate time and place are for your humor.) Maybe you are the student who is constantly challenging the teacher; constantly asking questions that are off topic, shouting across the room at your buddy, sneaking a glance at your cell phone during group work, or talking while I am trying to explain something. Or, maybe you are the student that just has no respect for me. I will never understand why, but I have a couple of you, and your actions and words prove that you dislike and disrespect me a great deal. Every single person is probably guilty of one of these behaviors at one point or another, but those of you who repeat these behaviors every single day know who you are. I would like to tell you Student 1, that although you cause me stress some days, and frustration other days, I still care about you. I know it may not seem like it when I reprimand you more than I talk to you about your life, but really, I care more than you know. Actually, next to your family, I probably care about you more than anyone else. It’s hard to explain, but the day your name was put on my roster and you walked into my classroom, you found a special little place in my heart. You may test me and push me away, but I promise I am still going to show up each day to teach you and do my very best to help you. I’m not going anywhere. Some of you have asked me before, “Why would you want to be a teacher when you could do anything else?” I never quite know how to answer that question, because its always asked in a negative light. But really, why would I want to do anything else? I get to go to work every single day and try to have a direct impact on 75 people’s lives. Its actually quite a daunting task when I think about it that way, but it is also so exciting! I have the opportunity to teach you something you didn’t know before that is going to benefit you in more ways than you realize right now. While you may see no correlation between learning about graphing linear equations and becoming nurse, a pilot, a lawyer, or a cook, I promise you that it matters. When you graph those linear equations, do you think about patterns? Do you sit there for a second and remember something you stored in your brain so that you would remember how to complete the problem? That skill, called retrieval, is going to be used over and over again in your life. One day, when you’re sitting in your dorm room studying for a biology exam, you are going to use that same skill of retrieval to remember what your professor explained in class. Also, each time you come to class, I ask you to work in a group, often in a group you don’t particularly want to work in. While this may seem like torture now, there really is good reason behind it. When you grow up, you don’t get to pick who you work with or who you sits in the cubical next to you. Sorry, but it just isn’t reality. Learning to work with someone you don’t like or don’t know is a part of life, and I think its better to learn it sooner than later. Now lets get to the next thing…disrespect. I really hate that word. It is so negative, and has so many bad things associated with it. It also happens to be the most common reason why you get written up or get sent to the assistant principle. Let me tell you something about disrespect. Although you may think it isn’t a big deal and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t very nice to your teacher, I would like for you to remember something. I am a person too. Yep, it’s true. I have feelings and emotions and a life outside these school walls. What you say and do in my classroom affects me even after you leave. I have dedicated my life to teaching you and being someone you can count on, so disrespect is truly the lowest blow. I can handle you talking during announcements every once in a while, chewing gum, or forgetting your pencil…those actions don’t hurt me as a person. But when you disrespect me, you might as well have just slapped me in the face. When you make a side comment to your friend about how much you hate me, I hear you. I may be a grown adult, but it still hurts just as much. I pretend it doesn’t because people say that teachers have tough skin and we can’t be friends with our students, but that sure doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

Now there are some of you who are reading this (Let’s call you Student 2) and feeling really bad for me, and thinking well, I know my classmates aren’t nice to Ms. C, but that just isn’t me.  I like this class and even if I sometimes don’t want to do my work, I am always nice to my teacher and try my best. First, I want to thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know who you are. I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you. Although I truly love and care about every single one of my students, it is students like you who get me through a bad day. When you walk in my door and say good morning, to me every day without fail, or when you come up to my desk to ask how my day is going, don’t think it goes unnoticed. I always notice and it always makes a difference. You make a difference in my life, as much as I hope I am making a difference in yours. I would like to apologize to you as well, because I know that many times, you receive punishment for things you don’t do. When your classmates are being disruptive and the whole class is punished as a result, you don’t deserve it. But unfortunately, I don’t know what else to do sometimes. I just want you to know that your effort and your kindness are appreciated.

Whether you are student 1 or student 2, know that I am proud of you. I am proud of what you have accomplished so far, and I want to be here for you the rest of the year so that we can accomplish so much more. I would like to conclude this letter by telling each and every one of you that I became a teacher because I genuinely enjoy spending time with kids and young adults, and I love being able to teach you something you didn’t know before. I do this because I love it. Even on the days when I am frustrated, I still love my job. I know, you think I am crazy. But that’s okay, someone has to do it, so it might as well be a crazy person who loves what she is doing. Know that I spend hours each night preparing to teach you the next day. I know its hard sometimes to do what I am asking, and it takes time and mental energy, but if you give up now, it would break my heart. I want each and every one of you to be successful. I want you to all have the jobs you want one day, and to be happy. I want you to know what it feels like to love what you do, and to be proud of yourself.

So, what do you say? Can we turn things around? Can you take just a moment to think about how I feel as your teacher, and understand that I am here to teach you and to help you. I don’t ask you to work hard because I hate you, I ask you to do it because I sincerely care your success. Good things in life don’t come easy. It’s a lesson you will learn sooner or later, but the good things in life take hard work and commitment. Getting into a good college means you spend your weeks giving 100% in class and your weekends studying for upcoming exams. Finding a good job means you were successful in college and you found a way to prove to the interviewer that you were worthy of that job. Life is wonderful when we take full advantage of everything it has to offer. I want that for each of you. Are you ready?

 

“The price of success is hard work, dedication to the job at hand, and the determination that whether we win or lose, we have applied the best of ourselves to the task at hand.” -Vince Lombardi

Yes, I teach middle school, and no I am not crazy.

When people ask me what I teach and I tell them that I am a middle school teacher, the responses I get are almost humorous. Before the person asking even says a word, I can see it in their faces. They think I am crazy! Most people are scared to death of middle schoolers…and rightfully so! It is an incredibly awkward time in life, full of many, many changes and challenges (I’ll spare you a more detailed description since you all know what I mean). These kids aren’t really kids anymore, but they still like to act like it. Some of them have got it figured out and know how to behave and act like a young adult. But most of them just aren’t quite there. Hence the wary faces I get when I explain that I teach middle school.

I was just thinking about what other age I would want to teach (if I wanted to escape middle school, as some people would say) when I realized that I honestly really love this age. Personally, I felt like middle school was the most uncomfortable and awkward time in my life. It was also a time though, when I still loved my teachers and really wanted them to like me and be there for me. Students are much more self-aware than in elementary school, but it can be a really good thing. They can be reasoned with (well, some of them), and understand the actions have consequences. They also need a teacher that cares and someone they can look up to. Yes, some students are going to hate me, and that is just the reality of this job. But for the most part, if I respect my students and gain their respect, I believe that they will genuinely like me and trust me. I think that relationships are so, so important.

I like to say that I am a people person. I love to just sit down and talk and get to know someone. I love to ask someone I’ve just met lots of questions so I can feel like I better understand who they truly are. I love when I say something in class that exposes a little more about who I am as a person, and one of my students just really relates. Feeling connected to someone is really big for me, and I feel like middle schoolers love that feeling as well. They want someone to understand who they are and accept them. Lots of times, they can’t find a friend who is going to do that. Sadly, they often can’t find a parent who is going to do that either. So that’s where I come in. I can be that person for my kids, and I can love and accept them, regardless of anything else.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have students that I struggle with every single day. They test my limits and often times, I can’t wait for them to leave my classroom. But in reality, I do still care about their well-being and have their best interest in mind. Individually, they are all really great. As a class sometimes, they can get pretty rambunctious, but that is just the nature of the job I suppose. I don’t want to sound fake and superficial, saying I love everyone and fully accept every person for who they are. I am human. I strive to be accepting and loving, and as a teacher, I think that it is especially important that each of my students truly believes that I believe in them. But I’m not perfect and I have days when I count down the seconds until they leave. It happens, but the more I get to know my students on an individual level, the less it is happening.

All that is to say, that the next time you talk to someone new who teachers middles school, instead of responding with a “Bless your heart,” “Oh man, that must be tough,” or a “Wow,  you must be crazy!” go ahead and just say “That is so wonderful!” And mean it!